Adventures of a Librarian*

The top of my hair looks like a mirage.

Hello folks! Oh look, you’ve got a nice wee bit of a tan. Suits you. As some of you might know, when I’m not shambling and rambling my musical way around the clubs and pubs of Glasgow and Scotland in general, I work in a library. It’s quite nice, most of the time, even despite recent and ongoing nasty bits. Sometimes it can be quite amusing however, especially when dealing with the public.

For example, see this lovely beast here?

Jackal sadly died mid-sudoku puzzle.

Last week, I overheard a customer suggest to one of my colleagues that perhaps we should have this removed, because of the two girls who were recently attacked by a fox. Luckily she didn’t make this comment directly to me, as I’d have been physically unable to stop myself from pointing out at least one of the following:

  1. It’s not a fox, it’s a jackal.
  2. It’s dead.
  3. Even if it wasn’t, it’s in a box.
  4. Perhaps we should also take all the copies of Fantastic Mr. Fox off the shelf?

Alternatively, I’d rather we see no more of that bingo advert with the creepy disco fox. Creeps me right out. He’s always luring aging ladies to his house. Who knows what goes on.

One regular feature in day-to-day library life is of course, The Ned. Sometimes they’re just passing by, kicking footballs at the windows. Other times they’re pushing over small girls or calling me Russell Brand (because I have hair, I assume). Today however, a group of neds came into the library I was working in and sat at a row of public computers, prodding at them ineffectually, drooling and shouting like the slack-jawed morons they are. Eventually one of the group, unable to contain his frustration, peeled away from the group to kick a football round the library. He eventually kicked it into a bookcase and knocked over some books. I emerged, ninja-like, from behind a bookcase. The exchange went as follows:

Me: “You can’t play with a football in a library, give me it, or get out”.

Ned: “I didn’y knock oer yer books”.

Me: “…I didn’t say you knocked over any books, I said you can’t play with a football in a library.”

Ned: “Aye but a didny knock any books oer!”

Me: “…again, I didn’t say you did. You said that.”

Ned: “Aye but that’s why you came over.”

Me: “…because you knocked over the books?”

Ned: “Aye but a didny.”

Me: “…do you think I came up the Clyde in a fucking banana boat?”

All the other neds (chorus): “Ooohhhh!!”

Almost immediately, they got bored, went upstairs and bothered the woman who, ironically, runs the stress centre. She threw them out.

All in all, it was a pleasant evening at work.

Til next time folks!

(Oh by the way, I have gigs coming up, check out the dates at the ol myspace.)

love Shambles x

*Technically I’m a library assistant, but that didn’t make for a snappy title

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6 thoughts on “Adventures of a Librarian*

  1. tofusheep says:

    I think you should write a musical or screenplay based entirely around that dialogue, that would be smashing.

  2. denise says:

    Very entertaining tale. Keep writing!

  3. Jim says:

    I hate that creepy disco fox too.

  4. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Campbell Miller, Campbell Miller. Campbell Miller said: Blog post: "Adventures of a Librarian" – http://wp.me/pBvRH-7q […]

  5. would be v grateful if you could give me a coupla quick lessons on how u librarians do that reference filing or whatever its called, as I fluffed an interview to be a librarian, cos ah cudnt do it- no, really :)

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